The Motherhood I Didn’t Expect

I just got back from the 2025 PSI (Postpartum Support International) conference in New Orleans. There is definitely so much to recap and share later, but one thing that really stands out is how introspective I found myself. During a particular presentation, I couldn’t help but reflect on my first postpartum journey. I have shared a lot of that already, how it has shaped the rest of my life, the provider I want to be; but more in that moment, I allowed myself remember the feeling-

I didn’t expect to become a mom when I did.
And I definitely didn’t expect to become the kind of mom I am now.

When I imagined motherhood, I didn’t picture long days in doctors’ offices, a child navigating a chronic illness, or the kind of exhaustion that doesn’t always have a name. I didn’t picture the constant calculating—of energy, of options, of what-ifs. I didn’t picture how deeply isolating some parts would feel.

In the beginning, there was a lot to grieve.
The timeline I thought I’d have.
The version of parenthood I thought I was walking into.
The ease I assumed came with “normal.”

These are griefs that people can see and name—diagnoses, detours, disruptions.

But there were other things, too.
Griefs that were quieter.
Harder to explain.
The loss of the fantasy. The pressure to find joy in moments that didn’t feel joyful. The weight of guilt for not always loving something I was “supposed” to.

And yet…
In the middle of all of that—something real began to take root.

I started to let go of what I thought motherhood was supposed to be.
And I started making room for what it actually is—for me.

It’s messier. It’s heavier.
But it’s also more meaningful than I ever could’ve imagined from the outside looking in.

This version of motherhood wasn’t part of the plan.
But it’s mine. And I’m still learning how to live in it, grow in it, and—some days—find peace in it.

If you’re walking through your own unexpected version of motherhood—whatever that looks like—just know:
You’re not alone. And there’s room for all the feelings here.